I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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