that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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