So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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