So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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