I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
