The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
