There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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