So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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