Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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