Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
