My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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