im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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