i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
