I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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