a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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