I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm passing your future prison.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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