Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
