Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
