A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
