I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
