i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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