hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
