I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
