Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
