I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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