I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
