If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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