do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
