just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
