Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He shit in the fireplace
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