giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
