i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
