theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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