Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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