Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
