if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
