I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
