I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sorry my hands just texted you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
