i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
