I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
