explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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