my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
