I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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