I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
