your parents love me but you hate me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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