whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is the high leading the old right now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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