Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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