I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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