I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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