Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
